God knew me in my mothers womb. He created me. He knew what I would face in life and he gave me a purpose. I have questioned this and asked: What purpose does a woman have who has lived a life of hurt, torment, shame and pain? I have a testimony from my experiences that other women need to hear. The devil has tried to steal my life in so many ways to stop me from helping someone else who may need to hear it and today I will share my story. It will not go into great detail due to the ages of readers who may read this. I refuse to let the devil continue to steal from me and as you read let me first say that I am sharing this in hopes it blesses someone's heart. I want it to let you know that you are not alone. This is not to be taken by anyone to have pity on me at all, but to give God the glory for allowing my to share with you.
I was born in August of 1975 with one sister who was one year older than me. At the age of one month my mother left us. My father was addicted to alcohol, sex and did not provide for his family. My mother did not have anyone to help her. She lived in abuse with no where to turn. My sister and I went to live with our Aunt and Uncle. My aunt became my mother and my uncle became my father as I will refer to these two as such in the following. My mother had four children and my father had three. There were nine of us all together. My mother was not raised to be loving nor affectionate and my father did not lead our home. At a very young age I was molested by a family member and I will not elaborate on which one, but I was told that I smiled all the time that the person who done this probably thought I liked it .I was around the age of 6. Later in life I found out my sister was also molested. It did not stop there as later around age 8 I was molested again by a person that our family knew. I can recall at the same age sitting behind my dresser with a bottle of baby aspirin and taking them trying to end my life. I recall today the tears that fell down my checks begging God to let me die.
We went to church almost every time the church doors were open because one of my mother's children had married a Pastor. I would get slapped right in church in front of people. My mother seen no wrong in this. My mother's children are my now my siblings. The Pastor, my brother in law did not teach this behavior and did not agree. He tried to speak with my mother, her reply was for him to mind his business. I was taken to the alter every time I got in trouble and was made to say the sinners prayer again and again. Even though some of my family will be angry by me saying this due to shame, but I was abused physically by my mother. She would slap my face, she slapped me off the porch for dancing and would get on top of me on the floor and hit me saying every word that came out of my mouth was a lie. I had one agenda as a teenager and that was getting out. I succeeded. I got married at the age of 16 and had my first child at the age of 17 and my second child at the age of 19. My husband abused me, cheated on me and finally left me alone. I was physically dragged out of my home in the winter by my feet. I was hit in the face by him for not pulling a trigger on a shot gun that he had his mouth on. I was held down while he had sex with me during times of abuse.I remember on Thanksgiving going to the bathroom and taking an overdose. I later spent two weeks in the State Mental Hospital due to my attempt of suicide. When I went back home his girlfriend had wrote her name on my bed mattress. I had a painful miscarriage during this marriage. He left me and moved in with his girlfriend at one of his family member's home. I had two babies no job and the Mortgage company coming to my home. I left that town and moved in the next town. I went to work for a furniture company and my job was collections and repossessions. This is the time that I turned to alcohol. Every night I would drink until I passed out and then get up and start another day. Unable to feed myself everyday because I had to make sure my children were fed. I finally went to work in a loan company and in a short time became a manager of that finance company. Working two nights until nine and working sometimes six days a week. I met my third child's father who had such a smooth way about him. He worked in another loan company. Later I became pregnant with my third child. Her father would drink and was addicted to cocaine later becoming very abusing. This abuse was different. I would have to hide under neighbors beds for my life. He cracked the sheet rock on a home we were renting at that time from ceiling to floor by throwing me into the wall. My life had become a cycle and every time I tried to escape by suicide, it failed. My second husband was not physically abusive but I will be very vague in saying just only he wanted to practice sex that is not natural. Alcohol was used in excess in this marriage that ended because I then had learned to harm before harm came to me. My husband now that I thank God for, came into my life and he was just as damaged as I was. He had a bad boy past and was facing prison. I remember coming home and the sheriffs office surrounding my home. My husband was being locked up for his participation in a crime. When he was released on bond we were sitting on the back porch intoxicated with alcohol and smoking marijuana and he said he wanted to go to church that Sunday. My comment was I wanted to go also. We did not know where to go and I had resentment towards the church from childhood. We ended up at our current church VWOC. It was so loud in there and one of the Pastors started to blow a horn and then I seen another Pastor run around that church. I looked at the back door because I thought for a second that was the way out. I had never in my life seen anyone run in a church. Seven years later my husband and I become deacons at VWOC. So many people passed my husband and I up for damaged goods. My husband did not go to prison and he paid his restitution for his crime in another way. I will not leave out that in 2013 I did walk away. I walked away from my home, my church, and my faith and my husband. I then put myself in danger but my life was spared again. My husband and I reunited and I repented of my sin. I had people passing judgement and at times found it hard to raise my head much less walk with it up. Shortly after repenting and getting back to where I knew God had placed me I was in an automobile accident in which a driver had ran a red light and hit me. This accident took the life of that driver. I underwent surgery on my spine and have had complications from the trauma and surgery that were considered to be rare. I was diagnosed with Chronic Adhesive Arachnoiditis, Post Laminectomy Syndrome, Lumbar-sacra Spondylosis, Radicular Syndrome. Chronic Pain Syndrome, Spinal Fluid Obstruction, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Colitis, Bradycardia with tendency to PVC, Syncope, Cervical Kyphosis, DDD cervical, lumbar and sacral and now Premature Ovarian failure( Premature Menopause.) I have experienced Pain so extreme that I have literally felt not connected to my body. Suicide consumed me after this accident. My Husband has had to get off from his job to come home to hold me during this time. He would rock me like I was his child.
It took all this to happen to know that I know that I was loved. Honest love that had no motive. Is it easy? No it is not. The devil attacked our marriage, our children, our finances and most of all he started attacking our mind. Recently the attacks have been so strong that it had become so hard to see past the natural. The scripture reminded me that God is about to bring back balance if I just hold on and trust in him as he so deserves.
I hope that my trials give someone else hope that God Can and God Will.
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